Bullet Words

So here I sit, in my bedroom alone on the brink of breaking down because I’m suffering from my 5th anxiety attack in under 3 months. I’m starting to feel desperate, like I don’t even know what’s bringing them on and on top of that wondering how exactly I’m going to function next semester. Its getting so bad that I’ve been looking online to see what people are saying about their own experiences which essentially brought me to tears.  I’m not the only one who has been suffering from these effects and going through all the horrible drugs and have had no results.  Some of these people have been suffering for as long as 20 some years.  The difference I mainly find is that they’ll have one for a short amount of time with lingering side effects, and mine generally last around 20 hours or so.

Twenty hours of my life each and every time I have one is essentially gone. And on top of that I can’t sleep right anymore, I suspect that my night-episodes might be something more serious like some sort of seizure, which I used to suffer from frequently. I read somewhere where someone else has these episodes, usually while they’re sleeping and waking up from nightmares. I have them every night, sometimes multiple times during the night. My dreams will start becoming repetitive or have repetitive elements in them, and despite waking up or becoming conscious and trying to go back to sleep, the dreams don’t change, until eventually I have some sort of ‘episode’. This episode, as described by me, would be me essentially waking up with my heart beating out of my chest, I’ll have cold-chills and be sweating, I’ll wake up wide-awake and alert. I’ll be aware that something happened in general because of how the direction of my dream goes, but aside from that and the way I wake up, I’m none the wiser. 

However, my actions have been described to me by different people over the years.  I essentially situp, rocking back and forth with my arms clenched around my knees totally unresponsive, or start shaking really bad (some have held me down from confusion and as an attempt to keep me from hurting myself, as I know at least on one occasion I was hurting myself during the episode). Some sort of violent movement or unresponsive act has taken place each time that someone has been around to witness this attack.  And I’ll have had no idea that ‘that’ happened, or be able to respond to their advances in communicating with me. I don’t think its sleep walking because oftentimes it turns into a full-blown anxiety attack. Initially, I’d have one seldomly. Now it occurs more than once a night, with my heart feeling like its going to explode each time. 

The other thing that started happening around the time these episodes became more frequent is that I started having some sort of heart-palpitations. I would be sitting there and suddenly my heart would feel odd, it would essentially beat, pause, and then start beating really fast then gain regular pace again. Initially it happened only when I laid down, like for a nap. But then they started occurring more and more frequently until they were occurring off and on all day. They’ve subsided in the last two months, thankfully, because as you could imagine it was most horrifying/unpleasant.

On to the anxiety attacks themselves. I had my first anxiety attack when I was 13, on fathers day after having what seemed like a seizure. I remember walking into the kitchen and kinda zoning out and hearing my mom yell at me and me not being able to respond at all and it wasn’t until afterwards that I was told I was just standing there spinning in circles. After that I started feeling this intense, un-invoked raged which eventually subsided into the more common side effects that I now suffer which include the dilating of the pupils, hyperventilating, burning up with cold chills at the same time, shaking, being incredibly wound up, doing compulsive things like pulling on my hair, not being able to focus or even form lucid thought at all (and if I did it was soon lost when I hyperventilated), and on top of that this first time I experienced the sensation of being disconnected from myself to the point I couldn’t even tell someone my name. I was horrified. I mean, I went to tell someone my name and I couldn’t tell them who I was. I just felt so disconnected from my body, like it was doing one thing and I was a total separate entity watching. 

Since then, I don’t often have that particular reaction, but the others have become more prominent. I hyperventilate and shake uncontrollably every couple of minutes for well the average time now is around 20 hours. I can’t fall asleep, for I feel that if I could it would solve everything. I’ll do things irrationally while having them, or with such poor execution that I’ll even hurt myself at times. I fear being around people on these days, which is crippling considering they don’t always happen on weekends and such. Its like for a day, my brain completly malfunctions. On top of it, oftentimes I can expect to have one during PMS when i’m going through hormonal changes or when I’m not even feeling particularly stressed.  Going to sleep is the worst part tho, honestly. When I try going to sleep I suffer from having these very lucid dreams where I essentially do the same things over and over without actually falling to sleep. This can go on for ’several’ hours before finally the attack loses grip and I am just so exhausted I manage to fall to proper sleep. 

I suspect that not being able to sleep properly has something to do with this because like I said if I’m getting poor sleep it will result in either the seizure like thing or a full blown anxiety attack. Its a complete miracle I’ve been lucid enough to write this, although I’ve had to take several breaks in order to write something coherent. Sometimes, its a miracle to get out a coherent sentence before I space. Doing really repetitive things before bed can also lead to anxiety attacks.

I’ve tried medication after medication and honestly some of the side effects aren’t worth it, considering ‘none’ of them have ever completely relieved me of the anxiety attacks, and oftentimes ended up hurting me or making them worse. I’ve had the zoloft stare accompanied by hair loss and intense apathy, crippling pain and insomnia from cymbalta and risperdal until the point I felt like my spine was going to snap and I literally would have preferred death, paxil was great at first until it totally flipped and left me unable to stay awake and when I was, I was depressed and lethargic and unable to function at all, and I can’t even remember the names of some of the others I’ve been on. Its no short list. And through all of this, I still had the anxiety attacks.

Its been 8 years now since my first one, and they don’t seem to be getting better. I was having them every other month, and like I said, I’ve had 5 in the last 3 months and I’m on vacation at that. I wonder if I’ll always be a slave and if anyone else out there has them that last hours and hours and hours each time.  

So here I sit, at 1:15 AM, doing the OCD thing I do with picking at my hair, and the only thing on my mind is something that Justin said to me earlier.  We were having a pretty in-depth conversation about relationships and all that fun stuff, when we started talking about what I wanted in a partner.  I mentioned someone with a great deal of energy who would want to go on lots of adventures with me, then come home and cuddle up and watch some anime or something. Someone I could be myself around, someone I could dork out with, essentially.  And then he noted that happy people generally don’t go for cold, hard people such as myself. This led me onto another train of thought.

Am I really so cold and hard as I pretend? I don’t feel that angry and sad inside, and when I ‘act’ like I’m happy with people as he put it, I find that I really am enjoying myself.  I don’t generally fake smiles unless its like a family thing or to be casually friendly.  So I started giving it some thought, and the answer was there all along.  I’m not really scared of being in a relationship, I’m scared of being TRAPPED in a relationship.  Being on a sinking ship, essentially, and not having any way to go except down.  I put up this wall, this massive wall, to keep people out so I don’t have to worry about dealing with this fear of mine.  

Even with all of the crappy relationships and hurt that I’d been through before, it wasn’t until I dated Josh that I seriously started getting scared of stuff like this.  Moving in with him was the worst idea ever, next to us continuing to move away into another place together which ultimately was the absolute worst idea ever.  Even at that point we could tell that there was trouble, when we were working together at Mr. G’s he being short with me and crap–taking his frustrations with his work out on me.  Not to mention our sex-life was essentially non-existant… it was like it had prematurely died. But then the apartment came up for rent, and I knew it was a bad idea to try to pay for it myself, it would have taken essentially my entire pay check just to pay the rent. So we all moved in together (Josh, Mark (random guy), and myself)… and I fell in love–with the apartment.  Josh and I never had much of a romantic life, and well honestly I was miserable. He was an emotional wall.  He essentially told me that he never felt happiness. If he never felt happiness, then why was he with me? I mean, if he didn’t feel happy, I certainly didn’t make him happy…
And on top of that, I’ve never been the type of person to reach out when I was feeling really down, or need physical comfort when I was feeling emotionally distraught… but the one time I did reach out to him, he just kinda sat there… then made a really cheesy inappropriate joke.  I was really worried about my mom’s declining health and it finally reached an apex where I essentially broke down with the realization that if my mom were to pass on, I would be utterly left alone.  Friends and relationships can oftentimes prove to be transient- but my mom had always been there for me.  It didn’t matter what was going on, she always tries her best to help me out.  If I didn’t have her, I wouldn’t really have any family left.  I’ve not been very close to my family in a really long time, and considering the declining health of my grand-father I just don’t know how much longer I’ll have the family I was moderately close to left either.  A sudden feeling of despair had swept over me, and taken over, and when I reached out to this person… I got nothing in return. He never even tried.

So needless to say that whole situation was a bust, but both of us were too chicken to break up, considering our living situation–we weren’t in a negotiable spot as far as changing living arrangements, so it in turn dictated the choices in our relationship.  He we never lived together, well things would have been a bit different.

Living with someone that you’re dating, prematurely, brings up a lot of unpleasant questions.  Am I seeing them because I want to see them or are we spending time together because its convenient? How can I miss them if they are never gone? If we weren’t afraid of the awkward living situation that would be created with the demise of our relationship, would we be dating? Would be handling the problems as we do?

So… upon going into a bit of detail as to why I fear relationships, Justin made the very astute comment that I think very in-depth ahead of time of problems that could arise, and because of this I end up going into relationships almost expecting failure.  I find that I am a coward.

This is also the thing that tends to draw me to this new interest of mine–I admire him in a way. I know it sounds really weird, but I know the kid has been severely hurt before, and rejected (time and again it would seem), but despite all that I find him so very brave. He isn’t afraid to express his feelings, and his honesty astounds me. If I ask him a question, he doesn’t beat around the bush–he gets right to it.  Even with me essentially pushing him away, he didn’t just give up on me, and I guess I admired that too. Made me feel wanted, like genuinely.  These are all things that draw me to him, and I don’t want to be the straw that breaks the camels back. I just wish I could be more like that… willing to just give myself in to someone, trust them, know they could shatter my heart into a million pieces and tell them to give me their best shot.  Justin is a great deal that way too, and thats also something I admire in him. With two great fellows like that in my life, offering me their courage and support, how could I go wrong? He’s right, I am a very lucky girl. 

So it seems that my great aunt nell has passed away, as of yesterday, and today we are heading to the funeral home for the viewing.  I didn’t really know my great aunt nell that well, but since she was my papaw’s sister we’re inclined to show.  I’m guessing that most of my family will be there, and I’m really dreading it because well I’ve pretty much steered clear of my family for the last 4 years entirely and pretty well a few years before… nothing against them other than the fact that I always felt like an outcast.  I guess thats because I never did see things eye to eye with them…. all of them embrace the ‘get married right out of highschool, have a bunch of kids, and live miserably for the rest of your life’ way of doing things. I myself, however, failed at all of those things.  I tried reasonably hard in school, went to college, and have yet to settle with some person who it is painfully obvious to everyone the relationship is going to fail.

I wont say I’ve not had my fair share of relationships that fit this criteria, but I know better than to get married to the first guy who comes around. Either way, I’m really stressed about it. I might even back out.  I hate going to family outings. I look at the people I grew up with, with their dysfunctional families packing babies on their hips, and realize I have nothing in common with them, other than a few genes.  The only reason I’m doing this is because I don’t want my mom to reluctantly go and have to explain why I didn’t come. Too bad I’m not in Morehead. >.<

It’s gotten really quiet in here now that I’m waiting for my next episode of ’School Rumble’ to download and I find that I really don’t have anything I’d like to do right now. I haven’t heard head nor tails from Zach since sometime last night, to the best of my knowledge he hasn’t been back here since. Not like he is ever ’really’ around anyway, when he’s here he’s either in his room or… in his room on the phone. That’s about it. Its kinda lonely really, I initially invited him to move in so I’d have some company to have fun with, but things worked out otherwise and well we essentially don’t talk at all. I just wanted someone around to watch anime with for hours and be dorks with, how lame eh? I just sit here, watching anime by myself and being a dork by myself, which I’ve gotten pretty good at… but sometimes it just gets ’really’ quiet in here and I wish that the laughter I hear wasn’t just my own. I realize its a great deal my fault I’m sitting here alone, but I just find it hard to trust anyone enough to just want to hang out and have fun with, for fear that it’ll turn awry like the last. 
On a much lighter note, I finally got my graphics design stuff done and turned in, I mean its going to get more work since that wasn’t ’the’ final critique or nothing and honestly it needs the work. I want to redo my character some so she doesn’t look so generic and plastic… i guess we’ll see how that turns out. hehe, stripey cat is over here laying on my shoe. She’s so chubby and cute.
I should just rename her kawaii cat She could be a super heroine! … hehe, super heroine. Speaking of stupid thoughts and plays on words…
I made Eekah spew coffee from her nose today…. ’you are what you eat, mangled and raped.’ Oh god, how twisted our conversations get. It sounds even worse out of context haha. o_0 Or does it?? :O 
You know, recently I’ve realized I’m horrible at expressing myself. I feel like the things I say and the way I say them in no way represents how I really feel.. kind of like in anime and stuff where you have the character who says everything ’really’ wrong and everyone thinks they’re totally weird and an outcast.. thats me Except I am totally weird, but I come off sometimes as being a little more self-absorbed than I’d like… I wonder why, but then i realize that I spend so much time alone I just get really excited to talk to someone.. and I have so much to say that it just seems like I don’t want to listen… ahhhh how horrible is that? I also have uber lower self esteem right now, which keeps me on the defensive.. so I often find myself defending things I really don’t need to… and trying to prove me right, even when I’m not sure I am… I come off as being way too eager, and way too ’much’… I guess I’m like small doses of radioactive elements lol.. in large doses I kill. ? lol.. oh well…

I spend so much time thinking, that I could just type forever and barely scratch the surface to all the things that seem to be running through my mind. 
Oh, I had some crazy dreams last night. One of them I dreamt I was trekking through a rainforest… it was incredibly epic. Scaling cliffs, killing snakes… being in the rainforest… lol… another one I was at war… and then me and my squad went AWOL to a hotel… and Eekah and Jordy were there.. not sure why.. and our captain was an old pervert manwhore lol… no really.. he had slept with almost everyone in the dream, and we joked about it the whole time… yes, epic dreams indeed. I actually have more dreams that you’d probably guess about being in a war… its actually quite strange considering lol. I dream a lot about haunted houses with large basements… that randomly have some sort of pool or hottub in them… which is always fun… or tornados… and barns?? I dream a lot about being in barn, or building a secret clubhouse in a barn… or trying to hide in a barn… i wonder what that’s about? haha. I dream a lot about trekking into the wilderness.. or going on epic adventures that involved volcanoes mountains 18-wheelers trying to wreck into my car and bridges that go into the water (scaarry), i dream a lot about flying… those are always the best… ahhh i could go on forever, ’cause i dream so much and vaguely remember parts of many many of them….
Ahhh, well I think i’m done rambling but that was fun… i wonder what i’ll dream tonight? Maybe I’ll dream I’m a heroine. haha.

Its been a good while since I’ve taken the time to post my thoughts, or get them out in a productive manner other than in my artist’s journal I’ve been keeping for Joy.  However, this journal has proven to be useful in that its shown me that I have so many things spilling out from the last few months that its almost sick that I’ve not really confronted them yet.  I’ve found that i’ve been a bit of an introvert off and on since the breakup with Josh and the whole Ben ordeal.  After breaking up with Josh, and us both finding someone, i initially was doing great.  But when I found out that the whole thing with Ben was a major bust, I just decided to hold it all in and keep to myself instead of trying to move on for fear of breaking down again like I had only a year and a half before.  I didn’t want to deal with the fact that I had literally wasted a year and a half of my life on a guy who cared for me but not romantically for fear of not giving him a proper chance.  I didn’t want to deal with the fact that I had put myself out there, wholly, once again, only to get it shoved in my face and rejected.  After I had spent a few months being a total recluse, I decided to start trying to socialize again and started hanging out next door, and I had a great deal of fun.  For the first time in the longest time i felt like my company was wanted, and I almost felt like they were my family.  However, Brandon was becoming increasingly annoyed at my flirting with Terry (for lack of anyone else to flirt with who was completely safe in that he was totally uninterested) so I started hanging out with my next mistake more frequently.  I once again totally took a chance and opened myself up completely, and was immediately shut down with the words, and I quote “I like you but I’m not crazy about you.”…. the timing couldn’t have been worse.  So when he changed his mind and decided he did indeed care for me like that, he was surprised when I couldn’t commit. He didn’t just say that once in the first place, he repeated it a few times over the passing of a few weeks.  I turned into a freezer, and the fighting began.  He had already moved in when I realized how big of an issue this was, and the fighting still continues. 

Aww man I’ve been having such a great fucking fantabulous day! To start it off around Midnight I started watching moulin rouge.. I got tired and went to sleep half way through but when I woke up this morning there it was waiting on me so I finished watching it and, as always, it made me incredibly happy.
Seriously, I would marry Ewan Mcgregor from that movie! <3 I love the way the whole movie is done, a play inside a movie about the movie… but not.. o_0 And I love musicals anyway… its a bit sappy in parts and I could do without that, but I love the one part where they sing Spectacular, Spectacular! Its just brilliantly done. Okay enough about that movie.
After that I watched A Knights Tale. Yeah, I know, its not exactly one of the best movies ever or anything, but for some reason I just absolutely adore it. Its one of those movies that I will prolly watch a hundred more times before I die if I live long enough lol… its just so silly, and I really get into the whole William Thatcher becoming a knight… when he is announced as Sir William Thatcher with his dad in the stadium, I always feel a few tears escape me. LOL And I LOVE Geoffry Chaucer, so it just works.

Lets see, after that I went and got my glasses and that worked out wonderfully. For the first time in my life (and note I’ve worn glasses since I was 3) they actually properly fitted my glasses to my head, thus they are incredibly comfortable and they look like they’re supposed to on me. Its nice being able to see again, and they’re not obtrusive at all. 

I worked on my myspace page some, and am currently listening to some songs that I was really into back in 2000 when Justin was initially sending me music. I forgot how good Finger Eleven was 7 years ago… MAN the album after greyest of blue skies just SUCKED SO BAD… and the sad thing is that one fucking song I hate so much still gets radio play. ‘One Thing’ is the name…. it makes me want to hang myself.
So I’ve been blasting music and singing (horribly I might add) for the last two days, and although its given me great pleasure, I’m sure Jackie isn’t the least bit thrilled because the computer and speakers are sitting right up against her apartment. As far as I know she is moving out anyway, and GOD I hope that Jess gets that apartment. We will OWN this complex if she does… ’cause I really don’t like Jackie. She just hardcore rubs me the wrong way.
So i’m going home tonight…and as far as I know, I’m going to be coming back this Saturday and we’re all going to go swimming again like we did last saturday.. and I’m really excited because despite the fact that I can’t swim I LOVE being in the water… not to mention I love my friends to death so they’re company always makes things that much more interesting.
But! There is always a but.. last year I got this ‘really’ bad burn from swimming so I vowed that after that burn that I wasn’t going to bother tanning or anything anymore… and I was going to stay as far as I could.. so go figure that now that I am actually trying NOT to get a tan for once even sunblock isn’t keeping me from getting one.. I mean I’m still incredibly pale but now i’m getting all these freckles and you can tell that the skin on my forearms is like… different colors… or something weird…. I mean its not really bad but I would say if I had a hardcore tan it would be crazy noticeable.. but yeah I don’t know, it could just be my imagination… lol..

Man I look forward to going home… and watching some teevee.. catching up on some stargate.. and other sci-fi shows… I’m going to miss being able to talk to Ban and Eekah on the phone but I’ll live.. I did pretty much not talking to them for a semester or better… so I think I can handle a few days lol…
I guess I should start doing some dishes or something so I don’t come back and the apartment reaks like old hooker ass… (not offense to any of you old hookers) I have to get the cats ready to take with me too.. they HATE car trips.. and its going to be trying to get them out of here around midnight at that lol… 

Okay! Enough rambling for me, for the moment being….
Oh I put a song on my myspace page.. if you’re interested.. its probably one of my favorite songs ever… It just has a lot of memories/emotional connotations tied into it… <3

so yes everyone have a good day. 

~Eden Marie

I’m getting rather frustrated with the way things seem to be going for me anymore, which I take total responsibility for but at the same time its getting old watching everyone else’s lives move ahead and mine seems to be reverted to a state that I am none too pleased to be heading in. I know I’m incredibly impatient and I’m sure thats my problem here but I just can’t help to think that my attempts at moving forward and being happy are null and void and that perhaps I’m just trying too hard. Even my attempts not to try take a great deal of energy in that I am putting effort to even that… after just letting things go and just go with the flow for the last year I have a hard time just letting things be and not trying to affect them in any way shape or form.. I mean look what happened… I just ride along for over a year and it turns on that the best thing I could have done was break up in the first place, because it seems that everyone is happier now that I did make that move..
Josh seems to be really happy with the direction him and Jess appear to be heading in, and its very nice to see him that excited.. but at the same time I’m kinda envious because I’m so lonely down here… and until a week ago all the cards seemed to be falling in my favor. That would be too easy though, so of course there was a catch… meh. No use of fretting about it… and I really wouldn’t mind so much if they weren’t being all happy and lovey all the time rubbing my own misery into my face as per usual…. I am trying though, I’m trying to be cheery but its easier when I’m not spending the greatest portion of my time alone thinking of all the things I could be doing instead if things were just a little different…
I hate being like this, I feel bad for thinking and feeling these things but thats the way I am at this moment in time, I’m just getting a bit jaded with everything and I’m ready for things to start looking up again.. 
how selfish is that?
oh well, I just hope everyone else is happy, thats a good start…
I’m going to try to be more patient, I know thats one of my major downfalls… its just kinda hard sometimes.

Enough moaning…

So lets see, what have I’ve gotten done today… I cleaned out my purse and threw it in the wash as it needed it so very badly, I went to eat at La Fincas, I sat on the balcony steps hoping to god that the sun would warm me up but still failed miserably, cleaned the litter box, paid a bill, was paranoid, got my ponytail attacked by a fat stripey cat, slept, slept some more… ummm.. yeah.. dear god.. I’ve got nothing done.. what a waste… lol.
Our air is semi fixed atleast, and thats something… and now I’m just sitting here by myself waiting for something to happen, or hoping I get the initiative to actually do something myself but instead I’ fairly confident I will probably end up going to sleep instead.. atleast my dreams are intriguing. I really wanted to go swimming today but with travis gone we didn’t get to do anything, which is just as well I suppose *shrugs* Ban took off work today so that him and erica could get their permits, and i’m sure that I will end up not getting my permit renewed on time because I’m a slacker like that.. I think I will go do that tomorrow around noon so I wont have to worry about that anymore
Man I’m so tired and I can’t figure out why, I feel like I could sleep an eternity and never feel rested at this point… and my brain is so scattered right now everytime anyone tries to talk to me I just kinda end up drifting off into my own little world lol…
What can I say, I kinda like it there today. Maybe I’ll brave the trecherous terrains of the entertainment center and hook up my Wii… but GOD its so hard to get back there and get everything plugged in and working… hmmm.. maybe I will contemplate doing it for a while then see what happens. ROTF.

Well I’m off… out..gone..somewhere other than here…
I have my fingers crossed waiting for something good to happen.

So I don’t know if you noticed or not, I doubt you have, but today I moved 48 of my journal entries from livejournal to my myspace dating all the way back to the beginning of 2003. Yeah, thats pretty crazy huh? I noticed that from around late 2005 to more recently I have ‘no’ journal entires to be found, so thats pretty much what I’m getting ready to fix.  Instead of just going back and writing stuff about what was going on, I’m just going to give a pretty good overview of the last two years. But in order to understand these last two years, and where I left off, I’ll need to start about 7 years prior to this date.

*flashback* hahaha how lame

Anyway, so back in 2000 (approx. Feb 17, 2000) I was really bored one evening running around in Active Worlds (a once popular 3d chat program) and I stumbled onto the planet Mars (just another chat room that just so happened to look and sound like a colony that might exist on mars.) So at ground zero amongst the random conversations there was a person singing to himself (or about as well as you could considering its online) and wondering why no one wanted to talk to him, so I took the initiative and started chatting to this kid, and we ended up hitting it off immediatly and becoming very good friends.  We started talking to each other on a day to day basis (I was 13 at the time, he was 14) and eventually days became weeks, weeks became months, months became years…. we would share our thoughts, our dreams, our philosophies.. we shared music and art and ideas…in a way he ended up becoming part of me, sort of a moral compass and I respected him a lot. In the first few months of talking to him, I told him that I was going to get him to want to marry me some day in jest… but thats another part of the story..
So we always believed that when we finished highschool that we would meet each other and you know go have fun like we had been all this time online and what not.. it was just a fact or a known truth… we had our falling outs and what not but always ended up going back to each other because we had grown so close over the years.. graduation comes and things just don’t work out as planned.. we have a major falling out and don’t speak on a very regular basis for like a year… I date Kyle and near the end Justin sends me this letter.. a 60 page letter.. when I was 15 I sent him one and was always kind of bothered by the fact that he was never sending any back… but in order to say he was sorry, and to sort of say ‘hey, you can have a little faith in me’ he goes through all the trouble of sending me this 60 page letter full of photos and what not… and starts calling me up and making me smile.. i loved hearing him.. 
at the same time, kyle starts being really distant and we have a horrible falling out that ultimately lends to the demise of our relationship, and justin is obviously there for me the entire time as he had always been, and we decide that our close bond that we had developed over the years was no longer just a friendship, but a lot deeper than that… we had fallen in love with each other.  Or atleast, as much as one could with someone they had never held, or kissed… we would talk on the phone for hundreds of hours over the next few months looking forward to the day that we would meet, which was to happen during the christmas break 2005.. 
but he was becoming too clingy for me to deal with, and knew how to best get back at me for not being around all the time.. he knew how to play my jealousy and make me angry and one of these times I just happened to be at the house of a friend of mine (who happened to be male) and was very into me.. so I cheated on him.  As much as I’d like to say “well he lived in Canada, it wasn’t cheating”, we both felt that it was cheating and honestly, it was.  Instead of trying to rectify things I became and emotional wreck and drug him down with me.. after listening to him crying heartbroken on the phone for two hours about how I was the one he was going to marry, and how much he loved me and how badly I had hurt him… I tried to convince myself I could make things work… but I would falter again and again and keep hurting him in the process. I felt in order to rectify the horrible deed I had done that I would date this guy I had cheated on him with so as it wasn’t just some stupid fling that destroyed my relationship of 5 years and that obviously didn’t turn out so well. I ended up losing my virginity to this kid, but more or less because I was bitter and spiteful against him. (go figure) and after a false pregnacy scare and my breaking it to justin about the scare, things go from bad to worse.  Chris and I end up breaking up, and the very next day I ended up falling for someone else.. go figure.  Brandon Brown. it was something I never let myself do before, just completly trust someone and just totally give myself into them but he’s that kind of person, the kind of person you can so easily fall for. Or atleast thats what he was for me.  2 weeks into the relationship we were already having sex and I was down with the thought of staying with him much longer than just an average relationship, but he appearently didn’t feel the same. Justin and I were no longer on speaking terms, and then Brandom quite randomly decides that he was too many personal problems to deal with having a relationship, and dumps me, twice.  On top of that he ends up convincing me to have sex with him a few times after we break up under the pretense that he perhaps still wanted to be with me, and that appearently wasn’t the case, so I was just completly broken for 3 months after the breakup because I had no chance to heal before I was hurt again. I eventually ended up becoming incredibly cold and decided that all I really wanted was meaningless sex…
Then along came Josh Johnson.. he was a really nice guy and had been there whilst I was coping at ban and ericas and was always a shoulder for me to cry on. One day I confessed that I liked him and he confessed that he felt the same for me, and I started going on dates with him… not thinking too horribly much about it.. then one night we’re heading to mountsterling or something and he’s telling me how much he likes me and being all sweet.. and later that evening after much drama we end up making out for a very long time and I was totally all about this guy..  and he tells me that he’s mine and how much he likes me.. almost the next day he’s telling me that he can’t do that and that he needs some time alone and that we should still keep going on dates, then he’s not even answering my calls.. 
shortly afterwards I end up meeting Josh Barton… just looking for a quick lay I go over to his house and watch MirrorMask and well needless to say I never left.. I have lived with him for over a year and 3 months now.. and we’ve pretty much fought since day one.. we, at times, have been great friends, but we never have been a great couple, or anything remotely close.. we just don’t get along that well at all.. its hard to believe that we stayed together as long as we did.. I can’t speak for him but the failing relationship just made me completly miserable, and at times I just wanted to get out.. I was looking for a reason to get out… August 25th I meet Travis.. and he seems like the perfect escape.. we liked each other and thought about getting an apartment together but turns out that wasn’t exactly going to happen, instead later I find out that I was just a rebound and well honestly he was just an escape so its all good.. I end up staying with josh for over 6 more months.. and eventually after much contemplation I finally decide that its better if we just break it off.  It didn’t help that I technically cheated on him too, I mean I didn’t think it was cheating but he did… a drunken fling with an girl who i wont name hurt him a lot more than not..  As for the moment we are stuck living together, and well there isn’t much we can do about that but meh whatever.. 
As for Justin, the guy from 7 years ago now, we occasionally talk still, there is still much resentment for that whole situation… but we’ve both moved on and its all good…
Actually, I did meet someone from the internet more recently.. and it wasn’t justin.. Ben. he’s a pretty crazy dude.. he makes me laugh a lot, he’s silly, he’s cute, and fun.. and makes my face hurt from smiling. I hope I’ll get to see him again soon, but who knows… 
Either way I think thats pretty much the best and easiest way I could sum up the last 2 years of my life.. not exactly been my proudest but thats how its went down and you know I hope that better things are to come.  Now I can post without feeling like I’ve left a horrible gap between my older posts and my newer ones… and where as all the dates and such may not be enitirely accurate but they are to the best of my knowledge. 
I doubt anyone actually reads this but this is just as much for myself as anyone.

~Eden Marie